The Correspondent

Gilbert’s dying. It became the whole thing. You, Bruce and Fiona, my brother, our friends, my work, the house, our life, all of that was sitting on the sidelines, but I was in the ring wrestling, bloody, half-dead, with Gill’s death. Parenting the other two, trying to help them with their own grief, was like acting. I could say what needed to be said, but I was only thinking of myself in the ring with Gill’s death. I have asked Bruce and Fiona about that period of time. I was surprised to learn they’re both in therapy. I think neither of us was able to shepherd them in those first crucial months, submerged, completely, in the swamp water of despair. We were needing the same thing, you and I, a temple in which to tuck away and disappear from the earth, to mourn at the altar of our desolation, but we had the children, so we could not. Could we have held onto each other? I’ve wondered. We did the best we could and it was not enough. The four of us came away injured, but is there any other way for a person to come through? Oh, Gilbert. I do hope there is an afterlife as I have always believed, a heaven. I hope I will see him and know him there. I believe I’ve been looking forward to death on one hand.

From the archives

·

2021

Case Study

I walked off in the direction of Primrose Hill. Ignoring my mother's maxim that only whores smoked outdoors, I took out my cigarettes. Ever since I took up the habit, I have loved smoking more than anything. Smoking is a veil. I adore every aspect of it: the tapping with a gloved finger of the cigarette from the packet; the metallic rasp of the lighter; the pungent whiff of Ronsonol; the first deep inhalation and the blue plume of exhaled smoke; the minor obscenity of lipstick on the filter; the snug pleasure of just holding the thing between index and middle finger. I love to watch women smoke. A woman smoking is never lonely; she is solitary. She is sensual, worldly. Men do not know how to smoke. For men, smoking is a utilitarian business, like using the lavatory or getting on a bus. It is always incidental to another activity, never a thing in itself. I had not seen Tom (or whatever his name was) smoking. I imagined he opted for those thing Russian cigarettes, or perhaps for a pipe, as certain young men do in order to cultivate an intellectual air. But Tom had no need for such fripperies. What was the word he had used? Serendipitous. It had slipped off his tongue as thought it had been lurking there, awaiting the moment to pounce. And then, as he pronounced the last syllable, he had glanced directly into my eyes. It was like the clash of a tiny cymbal. Had that been serendipity too? Or did the very fact that he had used this word suggest that the opposite was true: that he had been lying in wait for me, armed with mellifluous, seductive words. What woman could resist serendipity?

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Case Study cover

Case Study

I walked off in the direction of Primrose Hill. Ignoring my mother's maxim that only whores smoked outdoors, I took out my cigarettes. Ever since I took up the habit, I have loved smoking more than anything. Smoking is a veil. I adore every aspect of it: the tapping with a gloved finger of the cigarette from the packet; the metallic rasp of the lighter; the pungent whiff of Ronsonol; the first deep inhalation and the blue plume of exhaled smoke; the minor obscenity of lipstick on the filter; the snug pleasure of just holding the thing between index and middle finger. I love to watch women smoke. A woman smoking is never lonely; she is solitary. She is sensual, worldly. Men do not know how to smoke. For men, smoking is a utilitarian business, like using the lavatory or getting on a bus. It is always incidental to another activity, never a thing in itself. I had not seen Tom (or whatever his name was) smoking. I imagined he opted for those thing Russian cigarettes, or perhaps for a pipe, as certain young men do in order to cultivate an intellectual air. But Tom had no need for such fripperies. What was the word he had used? Serendipitous. It had slipped off his tongue as thought it had been lurking there, awaiting the moment to pounce. And then, as he pronounced the last syllable, he had glanced directly into my eyes. It was like the clash of a tiny cymbal. Had that been serendipity too? Or did the very fact that he had used this word suggest that the opposite was true: that he had been lying in wait for me, armed with mellifluous, seductive words. What woman could resist serendipity?

Case Study cover

Read more of this excerpt...

WORDS TO LIVE BY

The big news climatewise, they're saying, is the Ice Age. Which is coming up. After uh, ten thousand years of decent weather, muck out the igloo, boys, and hunker down for ninety millennia of frostbite.

1988 ·

Yellow Dog
Martin Amis

NON-FICTION

The Myth Of Sisyphus cover

NEW MUSIC

Jump Kutz